Below I have listed information about the effects of divorce on children, common rights accorded to children after divorce, and the thoughts of two child development experts about time-sharing guidelines.
This information is presented for your consideration, but it is not necessary for mediating parties to follow these or any guidelines.
CHILDREN'S EMOTIONAL REACTIONS TO DIVORCE
Children's responses to their parents' divorce vary in degree dependent on the quality of their relationship with each of their parents before the separation, the intensity and duration of the parental conflict, and the parents' ability to focus on the needs of children in their divorce. Parents are referred to Wallerstein & Kelly's Surviving the Breakup for additional information.
I. DENIAL
This especially occurs in young children and surfaces as story telling about Mommy and Daddy and future plans together.
II. ABANDONMENT
When parents separate, children worry who will take care of them. They are afraid they are dispensable and will be abandoned by one or both of their parents. This problem is exacerbated by one or both parents taking the children into their confidence.
III. PREOCCUPATION WITH INFORMATION
Children will want details of what is happening and how it affects them. Communication from the parents needs to be unified and age appropriate. Posting a timesharing schedule where the children can see it is often helpful. Explaining the divorce process and clarifying that the parents will be parents together forever will relieve some of the anxiety.
IV. ANGER AND HOSTILITY
Children may express anger and hostility with peers, siblings, or parents. School performance may be decreased. Hostility of children toward parents is often directed at the parent perceived to be at fault. Hostility turned inward is depression in children.
V. DEPRESSION
Lethargy, sleep and eating disturbances, acting out, social withdrawal, physical injury (more common in adolescents).
VI. IMMATURITY/HYPERMATURITY
Children may regress to an earlier developmental stage when they felt assured of both parents' love. Children may also become "parentified" by what they perceive to be the emotional and physical needs of their parents ("Someone needs to be in charge here"). Children can become angry with their parents for robbing them of some of the joys and experiences of their childhood.
VII. PREOCCUPATION WITH RECONCILIATION
The more conflict there is between the parents, the longer children hold onto the notion of their parents' reconciliation. Children will often act out in ways which force their parents to interact (negatively or positively).
VIII. BLAME AND GUILT
Children often feel responsible for their parents' divorce; somehow their behavior contributed to it. They may try to bargain their parents back together by promises of good behavior.
IX. ACTING OUT
Children will act out their own and their parents' anger. In an attempt to survive in a hostile environment, children will often take the side of the parent they are presently with. This may manifest in refusals to talk to the other parent on the phone or reluctance to share time with the other parent. Adolescents particularly, will act out in ways similar to how the parents are acting out.
CHILDREN'S RIGHTS IN DIVORCE
1. Each child has the right to develop and maintain an independent relationship with each parent.
2. Each child has the right to be free of conflict between the parents.
3. Each child has the right to be free from having to take over the parental responsibility for making custody and parent-time decisions.
4. Each child has the right to be free from having to take sides with, defend, or downgrade either parent.
5. Each child has the right to be guided, taught, supervised, disciplined, and nurtured by each parent, without interference from the other parent.
6. Each child has the right to be financially supported by both parents, regardless of how much time each parent spends with the child.
7. Each child has the right to know both parents, and to spend time with both parents on a regular basis, for holidays, and for vacation periods, regardless of payment of child support.
8. Each child has the right to a personal sleeping area and space for possessions in each parent's home.
9. Each child has the right to be physically safe and adequately supervised when in the care of each parent.
10. Each child has the right to be protected from people under the influence of alcohol or illegal drugs.
11. Each child has the right to be protected with a car seat or seat belt (as appropriate to the child's age) whenever a passenger in an automobile.
12. Each child has the right to a proper fitting protective helmet whenever bicycling or motorcycling.
13. Each child has the right to be protected from the harmful effects of second-hand smoke.
14. Each child has the right to a stable, consistent, and responsible child care arrangement when not supervised by the parents.
15. Each child has the right to develop and maintain meaningful relationships with other significant adults, (i.e., grandparents, stepparents, and other relatives) as long as these relationships do not interfere with or replace the child's primary relationship with the child's parents.
16. Each child has the right to expect that both parents will follow through with the child's residential plan, honoring specific commitments for scheduled time with the child.
17. Each child has the right to both parents being informed about medical, dental, educational, extracurricular, and legal matters concerning the child, unless such disclosure would prove harmful to the child.
18. Each child with special needs (developmental, mental, emotional, and physical) has the right to appropriate consideration and adaptation in any child care plan.
19. Each child has the right to participate in age-appropriate activities so long as these activities do not significantly impair the relationship between the child and either parent.
